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Episode 82/Transcript
(Rachel gets a makeover montage by Brittnay, Cameron, and Mackenzie) Cameron: Well, are we done? Brittnay: I think that's about as much as we can do. Mackenzie: Yup, I used up an entire roll of body tape. Rachel: Oh yeah, I'm tucked up in pretty good here. How am I looking, Judith? Judith: I gotta say Rach, you're a fucking world class beauty! Rachel: Well, I can't really see anything without my glasses, but I'll take your word for it! Mackenzie: Just remember Rachel: confidence! You go out there like the beautiful bitch that you are, and everyone else will see it too. Rachel: Right, confidence, I got it. Ok, wish me luck guys! Team USA: Good luck! Announcer Mark: Alright, and now I'm getting word that Team France has been officially disqualified. Which leaves just Team USA and Team Brazil to battle for the championship. Announcer Carlo: Up first, we have the model from Team USA. Let's see what she's got! Rachel: Ok, I can't see too good, but here we--''(walks into a wall)'' Ow! Announcer Mark: Oh, that's uh, not what I was expecting! Rachel: Alright, that is where the wall is. Ok... (walks and falls off the runway) Aaaaahhhh! (lands with a crash) Oh, fuck! Oh my god. Oh shit. (as she gets back up, the crowd begins to boo) Announcer Carlo: And it appears the crowd is turning on her. Rachel: You're fucking booing me? C'mon! What are you doing? I'm the hero of the story! You're just a bunch of haters. Go ahead! You hate me? I hate you too! I don't give a shit, fuck y'all! Fuck y'all motherfuckers! Y'all haters! You can suck my dick. I'll see you in hell motherfucker! (throws a chair) (indistinct, from the tv) I'll smack you right in your dirty little mouth... Mackenzie: Well, we fucked that up! Cameron: Yeah, I guess we didn't help her out too much. Brittnay: God, this is like the fucking Frog Prince, except there's no prince... and we just spent an hour fingering a frog! Rachel: (flipping the bird with both hands as she exits) Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck all of you! Fuck you all! I hate you all! And I hope that bad things happen in your lives! Mackenzie: Alright, well, we might as well start packing everything up, because this shit's fucking over. Trisha: But wait Mackenzie, it's not over yet! The Brazilian model's going on right now. Mackenzie: Trisha, it doesn't matter. We lost. That girl would literally have to take a fucking shit onstage to score worse than Rachel did. Announcer Mark: Alright, and here comes the model from Brazil, Leticia Santos. Announcer Carlo: With the championship all but wrapped up, this lovely lady is--''(Leticia stops walking and clutches her grumbling stomach)'' Hold on a minute, she seems to be stopping for some reason. (Leticia clutches her butt) Announcer Mark: And it looks like--''(Leticia collapses and shits herself while screaming)'' Oh my God! Announcer Carlo: She's shitting her pants! Team USA: (groans in disgust) Announcer Mark: (Leticia runs off in tears) Oh, that's gotta be a disqualification! Announcer Carlo: For sure! Mackenzie: Disqualification?! Oh my God, that means we win! (Team USA cheers) How the fuck could this have happened. Shay: Maybe someone put ex-lax in their pre-competition energy drink. (Team USA gasps) Brittnay: Shay, you did this? Mackenzie: But I thought you were pissed at us. Shay: (laughs) Oh, I am. I fucking hate you guys. Mackenzie: Then why would you give ex-lax to our competition? Shay: Oh, I didn't just give it to them. I put ex-lax in everyone's drinks. Mackenzie: What are you... (stomach gurgles) Oh no, no, you fucking bitch! (runs off) Matthew: (stomach gurgles) Uh-oh! (runs off) Deandra: (stomach gurgles) Oh nooooo, it's happening agaaaaiiinnnnn!! Mackenzie: (screaming and shitting in a trash can) Deandra and Cameron: (screaming and shitting in the sinks) Trisha and Trisha 2: (screaming and shitting in the toilet together) Matthew, Blaine, and Tanner: (screaming and shitting their pants) Than: (screaming and shitting in a potted plant) Justin: (screaming and shitting in his hat) Brittnay: (dragging herself across the floor) Somebody carry me to the bathroom! (shits herself and screams) Ahhhhhhhhh! Carry me to the fucking bathroom!! Shay: This is it, Shay! This is what it feels like to win! (gets shit sprayed onto her) Still counts! (Team USA is now back in their normal outfits) Mackenzie: (sighs) Alright, everybody all cleaned up? Deandra: Yeah, but I'd stay out of that bathroom. That thing's a complete tear-down. Mackenzie: So, they're bringing down the modeling contracts right now. We did it you guys. We can drop out of school now, and become full! Time! Models! Matthew: Uhhhh, actually, about that Mackenzie, that guys and I were talking, and uh... well? We're gonna go back to school. Mackenzie: What? Are you fucking joking? Blaine: No. How would that be funny? Matthew: Yeah, Blaine's got a kid to raise, and--besides, we were really only doing this to help you girls out. This whole modeling thing, it's not for us. Tanner: Yeah, and you know, Tristan and I are back together, so I don't wanna do anything to screw that up. Than: Yeah, and I wanna be there just in case he does do anything to screw that up. Justin: Plus, we've got a state championship to defend! Matthew: You bet we do! Football Team: (they leave) State! State! State! Whoo! Deandra: Well, I'm probably just gonna get a ride back to the hotel with those guys. Because as you know, I did not do this shit for the modeling contract. I did it for the food, and the pooping privileges. And now, you owe me Mackenzie. And ooo-hoo-hoo gir~l, you are gonna pay~. (leaves) Mackenzie: What?! No, Deandra c'mon! You've gotta be kidding me! What? I can't believe she just did that! Rachel: Well, you're not gonna believe this either. Because I'm going back to school too. Mackenzie: (beat) Ok. Rachel: Do you um, do you wanna know why? Mackenzie: No. (turns her back) Goodbye. Rachel: (tearfully) Goddamit. (leaves) Mackenzie: Whatever! We're better off without them, right guys? Trisha: Um, actually... Mackenzie: What? Trisha?! C'mon, you can't be serious! Trisha: Sorry Mackenzie, but, well, I like high school. Not to mention the fact that I'm with Matthew, and honestly, modeling kinda scares the shit outta me. I think I have an ulcer. I just want to go home. Mackenzie: And let me guess, you're gonna go with her? Trisha 2: Fuck no, I wanna be a model! Besides, I already graduated high school, so... this is perfect! Trisha: So... I--guess this is goodbye. Trisha 2: (gasps) ...I'll call you every night! Trisha: And every morning? Trisha 2: (quietly) Of course! Both Trishas: (they hug) Oh...! Trisha: I'm sorry I can't--bend my arms around you. Trisha 2: No no, I get it. It's fine. Mackenzie: Trisha! You can't fly by yourself! Brittnay: (stands up) I'll fly with her. Because I'm not gonna be model either, Mackenzie. Mackenzie: Oh, Brittnay-- Brittnay: No, before you say anything, just hear me out. This... this isn't for me. Being a model's always been your dream, not mine. All I've ever wanted to do is be popular, kick ass, and give handjobs. And there's no better place to do that than Overland Park. Besides, if I don't go back, Shay Van Buren's gonna be the most popular girl in school. And I'll die before I let that pig-tailed labradoodle ruin the legacy that you worked so hard to build. ...It's for the best, Mackenzie. Mackenzie: No, ah... I was just gonna say... they're not gonna offer you a modeling contract. (Brittnay jumps back in surprise) Because you didn't compete. Brittnay: Oh! Right. Well... Ah- Mackenzie: But thank you for saying all that! Brittnay: No, y-yeah, it's fine. It's just... (quietly) fuck. C'mon Trisha, let's go home. (they leave) Cameron: (beat, then gets up) Fucking finally! Mackenzie: (turns around) Fuck! Jesus Christ, Cameron! I forgot you were even there! Cameron: So it's just the three of us, huh? Hm. Guess that makes you two the new Shay and Mikayla. Mackenzie: Ugh! Fuck you, Cameron! That makes you the new Brittnay and Trisha! Trisha 2: No way! That makes you the new Trisha and Trisha! (gasps) And I'm Trisha! Oooooooh, we have three Trishas in this grou~p! Cameron: So uh, what do you guys want to do to celebrate? Claude said he had a guy who can get us some coke. Trisha 2: Oh, is it the Mexican kind with real sugar? Cameron: Nooo, it's the Colombian kind with real coke. Trisha 2: Oooh, does it go good with fries? Cameron: Bitch, it goes good with everything. Trisha 2: Yay! (she and Cameron run off) Mackenzie: (beat) Goddamit. (leaves the room too) (At the Charles De Gaulle airport) Mikayla: You know Shay, you really missed out! Me and Mommy had quite the French adventure! Shay: Oh, really Mikayla?! Well, I'm glad you had fun! (they leave) Hey, I got you an energy drink from the competition. Mikayla: Aw, really? Thanks! Lunch Lady Belinda: (with Jacques) Everyone, everyone. Follow me. Stay close behind. And also, (holds up a dildo) I'm gonna need one of you to put this in your carry-on please. Rachel: Sorry, my luggage is full! Judith: Yeah, full of pant-ies! Rachel: Haha, aw, piss in your pants, Judith! (they leave) Justin: Hey guys, what do you think of this beret? Matthew: (exasperated) It's fine, Justin. It-it's totally fine. I-I don't know what you want me to say, but it's fine. (they leave) Brittnay: (being pushed on a cart) Thanks for the help, Trisha. Trisha: No problem! Eheh, glad I hung onto this! Whoo! (sets the cart down) Did you uh heh, did you gain a few pounds while we were over there, Brittnay? Brittnay: (embarrassed) Fuck you Trisha, I was being tortured. Trisha: Sorry, it's just, it's hard to push this dolly when you can't bend your arms. Mackenzie: (appears) Maybe I can give you a hand. Trisha: (gasps) Mackenzie! Brittnay: What? Is Mackenzie here? I can't--Trisha, turn me around. Trisha: Oh, right. (she does) Brittnay: Mackenzie, what are you doing here? Mackenzie: I decided I'm not gonna drop out of school after all. Brittnay: What? But Mackenzie, that's your dream. Mackenzie: Look, all I've ever wanted to do was to just find a way to escape all these bitches and assholes we go to school with. But since we got here, Jeannie betrayed us, those French cunts tried to kill us, and I realized... it doesn't matter where you go, there's always gonna be bitches and assholes in your life. So the only thing you can do is surround yourself with the few bitches and assholes you can actually stand being around. And for me, that's you guys. Brittnay and Trisha: Aaaaawwwwww! Mackenzie: Besides, spending every waking hour with Cameron and Trisha 2 was gonna drive me fucking insane. Trisha: (laughs) I know, right! ...I miss her so much. Mackenzie: So I finish last year of high school, and then I become a big famous model, no big deal. (they leave) Besides, I wanna be there when we open that big can of whoop-ass that Shay Van Buren has coming to her. Brittnay: Yeah! I'm gonna hit that bitch right in the mouth! Category:Season 5 transcripts